Brink of Insanity
HamSam came over and made us dinner today. Simple affair but it's the effort and thought that matters.
I'm cracking up under this immense duress from my last exams. I'm fed up with myself...with my UN-productivity, with my laziness, with my ill-disciplined nature and many others.
I call it the Contagion Effect. Much like how the Asian Financial Crisis spread throughout the region from Thailand, my wrath resonates to those around me too.
My foggies got it when I slammed the door in their faces in anger. My brother got it too when I unreasonably refused him access to my computer. Some of my friends get it when I'm overly sarcastic in my conversations with them.
And of course baby would have got it too.
He got a lot of sh*t from me. I just took it out all on him. I know its mean of me to be saying all those stuff to him, to be taking him for granted, to be doing so many hurtful things to him.
I know it alright! Its not like I'm ignorant of it all.
But...I do not know why....I just can't help it. What RUBBISH you might think...how can I not KNOW why I'm doing all these and control myself!!??
I'm equally puzzled. Am I suffering from some kindda psychological disorder? Perhaps I'm bordering on that fine line. The thin line that separates the geniuses from the screwballs. Granted I might not be a genius to start with, but I think I could be threading dangerously along that line...
Tonight, I hollered at baby in the phone. I must have lost it then.
He doesn't need it nor deserve this crap from me. I asked him why he is putting up with all my nonsense.
No great theologies nor rationalizations were offered. Just a simple reply: Cos' I love you.
Unlike most girls, I'm not a sucker for those 3 words. I always thought of "them" as a pacifiers. Just to shut us up. No sincerity or serious thought would be put into it when blurting out those words.
But baby's reply reached the deep abyss of my unfeeling heart. It wasn't blurted out without thought nor was it used as a last resort for the lack of a better answer, but it was from the heart.
I have no tangible proof for that claim of mine.
I just knew it.
Ping
jeremy
Claracadabra
